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A few days ago, I received word that I may be forced to retire from the Navy, an organization I have faithfully served for almost 22 years. My first reaction was “I am not ready to retire, I have too much to offer, too much to still accomplish!” And then the feeling set in—I was a failure.
I failed to promote sooner. I failed to show just how good I can be at my job and all the tasks given to me. Despite all the medals and ribbons showing excellence, despite the positive evaluations and accolades from fellow service-members, I felt like a complete failure. Along with that feeling came depression. I did the only thing I could do…cry, and cry out to God.
I’ve had this feeling at other times as well. I’ve had an incredible amount of success in my life, doing a great number of challenging tasks and jobs, yet so often I’ve felt like my entire life was a failure. Why? For me, it’s easier to correct a true wrong than to accept “things just didn’t work out.” By the grace of God, the depression doesn’t last more than a couple of days, but while it’s present, the desire to do anything goes completely away. After all, why should I try when all I’ll do is fail? It can be a sad cycle, and for those who’ve had clinical depression, it can be even worse.
It’s difficult to talk to others because they try to help me by saying how well I have done things, or how proud I should feel, etc. (but I don’t and that doesn’t help). I know people are trying to encourage me, but I don’t want someone to say: “Good job!” because I’ve heard that, yet I’m not moving forward in the area that I feel like a failure.
I think that Satan uses events like these to demoralize us. How wonderful for him when we’re immobilized by sadness and frustration, and so we’re not often not able to work good out for God’s kingdom.
How do Christians then work through this, or help someone handle a situation which they also feel like a failure? How do we overcome?
First, I don’t try to hide or bury my feelings. Sitting down by myself, letting the tears come is cleansing in its own way. It allows me to take the next step, and begin asking questions:
1) How does God see me? Am I really a failure, or is it something else? Did I really fail either myself or God? Did I do less than my best, or am I trying to live up to an impossible standard? Am I interpreting this event by something other than God’s will for my life? Am I being prepared for something better or something that will bring more glory to God?
These are questions I don’t ask until I am ready, until the tears have cleared at least somewhat. During the time of tears, I simply let the Holy Spirit do my talking to God for me. Psalms tells me that I am being heard.
“For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you. Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace. In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me.” (Psalm 86:5-7.)
By praying and reading the Bible, I find that God does not see me as a failure. During times like these, I come to Him as a child comes to her daddy, with arms held up, asking to be picked up and held close, to be comforted by His strength, warmth, and love. I tell Him I don’t understand. Then I wait and listen.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jer. 29:11-13.)
God spoke this to the Israelites as they were going to be exiled to Babylon. Talk about feeling like a failure! God gave them wonderful land, but they chose pieces of wood or stone idols over their living Creator. Yet God planned for their ultimate good, even though it meant a period of testing in the desert.
2) How do I handle this, the feeling of failure and accompanying sadness? I have to make an effort to turn each day over to God, and to talk to Him about my feelings. When I pray my first prayer of the day, I look at my hands, fist clenched, then I open them with my palms facing up. It symbolizes my letting go of my worries and my control. It helps me to remember that God is in control, and it’s okay to let go of things, even things I believe I haven’t finished yet.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7.)
I know that God understands what I’m going through. Hebrews tells us that Jesus experienced what we experience, not by temptation, but emotions like sadness.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Heb. 4:15-16.)
Sometimes, I need this type of event because it allows me to remember that I am weak, human, and fallible, and that’s okay! I don’t like it when it happens, but just as a child receives unwanted and uncomfortable guidance to become the person they should, God uses times of trouble and distress to mold us into what He desires for us.
If you are to be there for someone, please offer your ear, your heart or your hugs. Try to refrain from proffering compliments, even if you mean well until they are in the frame of mind to hear them. You may be able to strengthen them by some of the following verses, but listening is always of greatest help.
“We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed.” (2 Cor. 4:9.)
“I know your works. Because you have limited strength, have kept My word, and have not denied My name, look, I have placed before you an open door that no one is able to close.” (Rev. 3:8.)
“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.” (Lam. 3:22.)
3) Am I wrongly condemning myself?
Romans 8 talks about God always being there for us, but many times we are not there for ourselves. We do a good job of condemning where there is no condemnation warranted. We don’t see the big picture of our life as it intertwines with God’s plan. It’s vital that the person who is feeling like a failure understand that because we’ve chosen to be on God’s side, He is with us always—nothing can take us from His grasp and His love, not even this time of supposed “failure.”
Finally when I’m ready to begin the battle again after feeling like a failure, I focus on these verses that focus on these truths – no condemnation, no separation from God and His love, we are conquerors through Him – and then His Word begins to melt away the feelings of failure, and then I’m able to help those who may be going through what I did.
God may not call us to be famous, or to change the world in a large way, but for each battle that we experience, for each session of weakness that we overcome by His strength, He can use us to help the next person, that their stormy season might be more easily navigated by an experienced sailor.
“I brought you from the ends of the earth and called you from its farthest corners. I said to you: You are My servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you.” (Isaiah 41:9.)
I have been watching Nabeel Qureshi’s vlogs as he has been going through what Christians would call “a valley of the shadow of death.” He has been fighting Stage IV stomach cancer since August 2016 and provides us with updates on how his health is, how the treatments are doing and what he is learning. You can watch his vlogs here.
Let me state first, and most clearly, I am praying that God moves in the most miraculous way to heal Nabeel of his cancer, fully and completely. Whether by doctor and conventional medicine or by purely supernatural methods, I and numerous others repeatedly ask God to take care of this man so he may continue to glorify God through the ministry he has been called to, in addition to being able to remain with his wife, Michelle, and help raise his daughter.
Recently, Nabeel posted a blog in which he was commenting on His friend Lazarus, the brother of Mary and Martha, who died and was raised from the dead four days later by Jesus. It was a supernatural event to show the power of Jesus over life and death, which He had demonstrated a few other times. In this, Nabeel was stating his continued hope in God and the promise of healing, even days after death. In addition, Nabeel has stated that many in the Muslim community are saying that this cancer is punishment for leaving Islam, and if he only returns, the cancer will be removed. Nabeel is wanting healing to show those who believe this that the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is the one true God, not Allah.
A few days after watching this vlog, the thought came over me “What if Nabeel is focusing on the wrong Lazarus?” This thought remained in my heart and mind for quite some time. While watching the latest vlog where the radiation has not worked, he is back on chemo and looking at other options, the weight of the thought, which I am believing was from God, needed to be written, so I put proverbial pen to paper to write out my thoughts on this.
In the story of the first Lazarus we will address, Lazarus of Bethany in John 11, Jesus is told that Lazarus is ill by a messenger sent by the sisters. Yet Jesus delayed saying that “This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”. As the story progresses, Jesus knows that Lazarus had died. He begins the journey to Bethany, and while outside the town meets Martha and waits there for Mary. Finally, Jesus heads to the tomb where Lazarus had been for four days. Lazarus’ body has begun to decay and smell, despite the aromatics, his sisters would have treated his body with. No one at that location would have desired to enter Lazarus’ tomb, nor see the decaying body by this point.
With many surrounding both Jesus and the tomb, Jesus called Lazarus to “come forth.” And to the amazement of all around, Lazarus comes out, still bound in his burial cloths, but fully alive. Based on this, some who saw, believed. Nabeel, maybe quite correctly, feels that even if God tarries until he has been dead four days, that God will heal him.
I offer a different perspective. The second Lazarus is known to us from a story told by Jesus in Luke 16. This Lazarus has no family or friends but is a beggar with nothing, who has been left a rich man’s gate. As the story goes, obtaining crumbs from this rich man’s table would fulfill Lazarus’ simple desire. In addition, Lazarus has sores on his body, which are increased in pain due to dogs coming and licking them. Truly this man does not appear to be blessed by God, and some could say is being punished by God for something.
Both men die, but this is where it gets interesting. The man who believed he had everything is now in Hades, awaiting final judgment and punishment. Meanwhile, Lazarus is sitting in Abraham’s Bosom, a place of peace for those who eventually wind up in Heaven with God after Jesus’ death and resurrection. The rich man seeks relief from Lazarus in the form of a bit of water and even begs Abraham to send Lazarus back to the rich man’s family, that they may believe and not wind up in Hades. The rich man is told that if his family did not believe Moses and the Prophets, that even if a man rise from the dead, they would still be in their unbelief.
Think about that for a moment. Seeing a dead man rise would not make them believe.
This story tells us quite a bit about the second Lazarus.
Lazarus was full of pain and disease and without earthly affection from those around him. Yet he obviously still believed in God and trusted in His promises, otherwise, he would not have been in Abraham’s Bosom. He showed an amazing amount of faith despite his circumstances, not cursing God for his earthly situation but depending on God no matter what. And he is an example to us about how to depend on God, no matter how dark our days may be.
I think that Nabeel is the second Lazarus.
There are those who are saying that he is suffering this because he left Islam. These people would not necessarily believe in Jesus if Nabeel were cured, or even if he rose from the dead. They already have Moses and the prophets, yet they still do not believe.
BUT… Nabeel is doing something greater. Like Lazarus, Nabeel is still praising God, still worshiping God, still believing God, despite the pain and suffering. He is demonstrating that even when facing death, one can be joyful, one can still have faith and hope, and one can still look forward to the joy that awaits us, whether in twenty years or in two days. Nabeel is showing many believers and non-believers in Jesus that we are not left alone in our darkest, most painful times. He is proof that God hears us, and through us, God can be glorified.
This is what I believe is the real testimony. And based on what Nabeel said in his latest vlog, many are noticing and coming to faith. They are seeing a real man, who is fighting a real disease, being open not only about his concerns but fully open about his hope in the One who can do all things. And that is very desirable.
UPDATE:
I wrote this blog in May 2017 with the intent of posting it to this site, but technical difficulties prevented the posting until September 2017.
To the sadness of all who knew, loved and followed Nabeel, he said his farewell to this life and entered the presence of God on September 16, 2017. In a vlog post, dated September 9, 2017, Nabeel wanted to make sure that he had shown love to those he spoke to. Even in the days before his death, his desire was to show love, God’s love, to those who needed to hear. From comments made by close friends, up to the end, his heart was to bring people to Jesus.
We rejoice that Nabeel is with God, feeling His eternal and perfect love and peace. We pray for Nabeel’s wife and daughter as they learn to live without their beloved husband and father.
And we pick up where Nabeel left off, telling as many as possible about the love and grace of God. This love and grace is offered to everyone who will accept the gift of forgiveness by turning from their stubbornness, selfishness, and defiance of God.
It may not be an easy journey, but it is worth more than any words could possibly say.
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